Civil Engineer from Punjab University

Relationship between Man Woman & Donkey

Relationship between Man Woman & Donkey Equation 1 Human = eat + sleep + work + enjoy Donkey = eat + sleep Therefore, Human = Donkey + work + enjoy Therefore, Human - enjoy = Donkey + work In other words, Human that don't know enjoy = Donkey that work ============ ========= ========= ============ ========= Equation 2 Men = eat + sleep + earn money Donkeys = eat + sleep Therefore, Men = Donkeys + earn money Therefore, Men - earn money = Donkeys In other words, Men that don't earn money = Donkeys ============ ========= == Equation 3 Women = eat + sleep + spend Donkeys = eat + sleep Therefore, Women = Donkeys + spend Therefore, Women - spend = Donkeys In other words, Women that don't spend = Donkeys ============= ========= To Conclude: From Equation 2 and Equation 3 Men that don't earn money = Women that don't spend. So, Men earn money not to let women become Donkeys! (Postulate 1) And, Women spend not to let men become Donkeys! (Postulate 2) So, we have... Men + Women = Donkeys + earn money + Donkeys + spend money Therefore... from Postulates 1 and 2, we can conclude Man + Woman = 2 Donkeys that live happily together!

Want to reduce weight in a day..!!!

One fat guy - goes to a popular GYM in Bangalore sees an ad for a new gym guaranteeing to reduce anyone's weight by 5, 10 or 20 kilograms on the first day. So he goes and tells them he wants to lose 5 kg.

They lead him into a huge gym with all kinds of ropes and parallel bars and ladders and tell him to wait a minute. He's standing there when on the far side of the gym a door opens and out steps a beautiful girl, with a sign saying "If you catch me, I'm yours." He starts running, and just as he gets close, she starts picking up speed. Before he knows it, he's running all over the gym, up the ladders, down the ladders, across the parallel bars, here and there. And just as he's about to catch the blonde, pop, she disappears through a door. In comes the management who lead him to the showers, and then weigh him. Sure enough, he lost exactly 5kg.

He's back on the street and starts to think. "God, I was so close to catching her. If I had a little more time...

So he races back to the gym and says, "I want to lose 20 more kg.""No problem," says the manager. Again he is led to the large gym. This time he's standing by the door when it opens.

Out comes a Gorilla with a sign, "If I catch you, you're mine."

~~ Cute Babies ~~

Some intelligent quotes...

1. Regular naps prevent old age... especially if you take them while driving.
2. Having one child makes you a parent; having two makes you a referee.
3. Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!
4. They said we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried- but they wanted cash.
5. A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school uniforms.
6. Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.
7. Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without... but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.
8. You can't buy love. . But you pay heavily for it.
9. Forgiveness is giving up my right to hate you for hurting me.
10. Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.
11. Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
12. My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.
13. Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.
14. They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak.
15. Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.
16. Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something.

Super English

long long but not so long ago but fur long ago..., there is a well known person by name , Mr. Jeppier , Chairman of ultra deemed university and some more self financing colleges , always speaks in English. That college students have collected & published a book by name "Jappier's Spoken English"
.. Njoy .............with his.......... .....English. ......... .......

Now , here are some classic English sentences from the great
"Jappier's Spoken English"

# At the ground:
------------ -----

All of you stand in a straight circle.
There is no wind in the balloon.
The girl with the mirror please comes her....{Means: girl with specs please come here).

# To a boy , angrily:
------------ ---------
I talk , he talk , why you middle middle talk?

# While punishing students:
------------ --------- --
You , rotate the ground four times...
You , go and understand the tree...
You three of you stand together separately.
Why are you late - say YES or NO .....(?)

# While addressing students about Dress Code: (he is very strict abt this )
------------ --------- --
Every body should wear dress to college
Boys no proplum
Girls are pig proplum . (pig=big)
Girls should wear only slawar no nitee.
Girls should not wear T sirt , U shirt , V shirt.. but if you want to wear .... remove it when inside the campus and put it oout side the campus

# Sir at his best:
------------ ---
Sir had once gone to a film with his wife. By chance , he happened to see one of our boys at the theatre , though the boy did no t see them.
So the next day at s school... (to that boy) - "Yesterday I saw you
WITH MY WIFE at the Cinema Theatre"

# Sir at his best inside the Class room:
------------ --------- --------- --------- -------
Open the doors of the window. Let the atmosphere come in.
Open the doors of the window. Let the Air Force come in.
Cut an apple into two halves - I will take the bigger half.
Shhh...Quiet , boys...the principal JUST PASSED AWAY in the corridor
You , meet me behind the class. (Meaning AFTER the class..)
This one is cool >> "Both of u three get out of the class."
Close the doors of the windows please. I have winter in my nose today...
Take Copper Wire of any metal especially of Silver.....
Take 5 cm wire of any length....

Last but not the least some Jeppiar experiences ...

Once Sir had come late to a college function , by the time he reached , the function had begun , so he went to the dais , and said , sorry I am late , because on the way my car hit 2 muttons (Meaning goats).

At ultra college day 2002:

"This college strict u the worry no .... U get good marks , I the happy , tomorrow u get good job , jpr the happy , tomorrow u marry I the enjoy"

At mp college of engineering fresh years day 2003:

"No ragging this college. Anybody rag we arrest the police

School Joke

A first-grade teacher, Ms Neelam (Age 28) was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked,"Boy, what is your problem?"

Boy answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"

Ms Neelam had enough. She took Boy. to the principal's office. While Boy. waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms Neelam he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.She agreed.

Boy. was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Boy.: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Boy.: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at Ms Neelam and tells her, "I think Boy can go to the third-grade."

Ms Neelam says to the principal, "I have some of my own questions.

Can I ask him ?" The principal and Boy both agreed.

Ms Neelam asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?
Boy., after a moment "Legs."

Ms Nee lam: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
Boy.: "Pockets."

Ms Neelam: What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Boy.: Coconut

Ms Neelam: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft And sticky? The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Boy. was taking charge.
Boy.: Bubblegum

Ms Neelam: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs? The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...
Boy.: Shake hands

Ms Neelam: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?
Boy.: Yep.

Ms Neelam: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.
Boy.: Tent

Ms Neelam: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.The Principal was looking restless, a bit tense and took one large Patiala Vodka peg.
Boy.: Wedding Ring

Ms Neelam: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
Boy.: Nose

Ms Neelam: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Boy.: Arrow

Ms Neelam: What word sta rts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' that means lot of heat and excitement?
Boy.: Firetruck

Ms Neelam: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' & if u dont get it u have to use ur hand.
Boy.: Fork

Ms Neelam: What is it that all men have one of it's longer on some men than on others, the pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after they're married?
Boy.: SURNAME

Ms Neelam: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots of veins, like pumping, & is responsible for making love ?
Boy.: HEART.

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher,
"Send this Boy to IIM Ahmedabad, even I got the last ten questions wrong myself!! "

:-) :-) :-)

SCRABBLESSS

FLORENCE NIGHTINGALE When you rearrange the letters:
FLIT ON CHEERING ANGEL

DILIP VENGSARKAR
When you rearrange the letters:
SPARKLING DRIVE

BARA THEDA
When you rearrange the letters:
ARAB DEATH

PRINCESS DIANA
When you rearrange the letters:
END IS A CAR SPIN

MONICA LEWINSKY
When you rearrange the letters:
NICE SILKY WOMAN

DORMITORYWhen you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINESWhen you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z'S

A DECIMAL POINT
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE

MOTHER-IN-LAW
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

A SHORT MEANINGFUL STORY

A contractor, who had made a fortune building homes, told his supervisor of 35 years,

"i'm going to build one last house and u will build it for me coz i'll b gone for a year.

use the best material --money is no consideration ..make it the greatest house we've ever built"......

having given these instruction , the man left ..

the supervisor thought that this was a great oppurtunity to make a fortune .

He used the cheapest material inside but made the house look beautiful frm outside..

after a year ,the contractor returned,he inspected the house and asked the supervisor what he thought of the house .

The supervisor replied"it's the best house i've ever built"

THE CONTRACTOR HANDED OVER THE DEED TO HIM AND SAID

"THIS IS MY PARTING GIFT TO U"



MORAL --- we shud Develop a high standard of personal ethics ....and always do
the right things ,even if no one is watching us

SANTA BANTA JOKES

Prince Charles & Santa were having dinner.
Prince said, "Pass the wine you divine".
Santa thinks "how poetic"
Santa says, "pass the custard you bastard".

------------------------------------------------------

Banta is in a dissection class of cockroach.
He cuts its 1 leg, and says, "chal", it walks..
He cuts 2nd and 3rd legs and said, "chal" , it walks.
He cuts all the legs and said, "chal...." Finally he wrote the conclusion......
....... "after all the legs of a cockroach are cut - it becomes deaf......"

*************************

Santa on an interview 4 da post detective.
Interviewer : who killed Gandhi?
Santa: Thank u sir 4 giving me d job, I will start investigating

************************

Banta for an exam had studied only one essay 'FRIEND', but in the
exam the essay which came was 'FATHER' . he replaced friend with father
in the essay and it read: AM A VERY FATHERLY PERSON,
I HAVE LOTS OF FATHERS, SOME OF MY FATHERS ARE
MALE AND SOME ARE FEMALE. MY TRUE
FATHER IS MY NEIGHBOUR.

***********************

Interviewer: what s ur qualification?
Santa: Sir I am Ph.D.
Interviewer : what do u mean by Ph.D?
Santa: (smiling) PASSED HIGH SCHOOL with DIFFICULTY....

Work Smart not Hard……….

A giant ship engine failed. The ship's owners tried one expert after another, but none of them could figure but how to fix the engine.

Then they brought in an old man who had been fixing ships since he was a young. He carried a large bag of tools with him, and when he arrived, he immediately went to work. He inspected the engine very carefully, top to bottom.

Two of the ship's owners were there, watching this man, hoping he would know what to do. After looking things over, the old man reached into his bag and pulled out a small hammer. He gently tapped something. Instantly, the engine lurched into life. He carefully put his hammer away. The engine was fixed!
A week later, the owners received a bill from the old man for ten thousand dollars.
'What?!' the owners exclaimed. 'He hardly did anything!'
So they wrote the old man a note saying, 'Please send us an itemized bill.'

The man sent a bill that read:
Tapping with a hammer....... ........ .......... $ 2.00
Knowing where to tap......... ........ ........ $ 9,998.00

Effort is important, but knowing where to make an effort makes all the difference!.

Do you think English is easy???

Very interesting -- you think English is easy???

Read to the end . . . a new twist.


You lovers of the English language might enjoy this .

There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is 'UP.'

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP ? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report ?

We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car . At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special.

And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.

We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP ! To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP , look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP , you may wind UP with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP ..

When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP ...

When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP .

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP , for now my time is UP, so......... it is time for me to shut UP .!

Oh . . . one more thing:


What is the first thing you do in the morning the last thing you do at night? U-P